Countdown to the UBCC Annual Black Tie Dinner:

UBCC 1st XI beat Oxford by 55 runs

Alex Beck impressively secured DOTD from the scorebox and reports from UBCC's BUCS opener:

The day began in typically lovely fashion with The Breakfast Club™ (bacon, waffles, pain au chocolat, orange juice, apple juice, milk – 10/10). Little did a certain fresher with a terrible lid know at this point that he would be taken at over 7 an over and not bat. However, my arrival at Coombe Dingle saw my day quickly deteriorate as the UBCCC informed me that the women’s game (for which I had booked umpires for 12.30pm) actually began at 2pm. Fortunately umpire 1 was the nicest man in the world and took the news very lightly, and I hid myself in the toilet in case umpire 2 was of a more grumpy disposition.

It was shortly after this point that the slippery slope towards my DotD award began, as I met Oxford’s scorer. He asked me to write out our team including initials, so of course I give him the sheet R. Gardiner, C. Goldthorp etc. But no. This man needed middle initials too. Although I did know a few of the team’s middle initials, I decided not to tell him them out of principle. This was soon vindicated because the sight of him scurrying around the outfield during the warm up finding out people’s initials truly was one of the best and worst things I have ever seen on a cricket field. Upon his return, in a lame effort to make some semblance of conversation, I asked him if he had all of the initials. His stern-faced reply? “I have never failed to get them all”. Gr8, m8.

Mock The boys warming up whilst being hounded by the Oxford scorer

This bloke used three different methods of scoring (two written, one computerised). He said his record was six. Apparently this makes him a better scorer than me although I contended that a scorer should be judged purely for his chat, which probably puts me in the top 0.1% of scorers around the country.

Smudge won the toss (again) and elected to bat. The Dingle was flat and slow. A big toss to win considering pitch deterioration later in the day. Some would say that with Gardiner (10 off 39) and Goldthorp (39 off 77) our innings began steadily, building the necessary platform from which to attack later on in the innings. Others (or, other) would say that you’re all sh*t cricketers and sh*t blokes who need to learn how to score quick runs or else you won’t get a South African or Australian contract and maybe not even a worthless English one.

Mock UBCC decked out in their new Bath Ales sponsored stash

The Oxford bowling attack’s affinity to the no-ball and the tragic discovery that free hits were not a part of this league led to some interesting chat between some of UBCC’s more vocal members and my fellow scorer. The latter was very much a traditionalist, but the former just want to see huge piss off sixes. UBCC decided to bait my fellow scorer on this topic, leading to chomp after chomp after chomp (quote C Green post-match: “I’ve never seen so many chomps from one person in a single day”).

Back out in the middle stylish player of the match Wynn made his way to 65 before getting out. Earlier Smudge had got a score that wasn’t between 30 and 50 which was met with considerable shock. Fortunately the fact that we batted down to number ten meant that a series of cameos pushed us up to 257 off our 48 (15 minutes of rain), the highlight being Newman’s 28 off just 18 balls. Mayo didn’t face a dot until the delivery of his dismissal but the lack of bombs was regrettable.

Tea saw a return to the classic lasagne and garlic bread. Dos pieces of the latter again, decent, but a distinct lack of meat anywhere. Someone had stolen most of the chairs from the Dingle so a certain Oxford leggie ate his meal whilst kneeling down on the hard floor but UBCC opted for the more respectable standing at the bar, which was at a perfect height for eating. Pretty standard stuff so would be 7/10 but the women’s tea included chips and ours didn’t so I have to drop it down to 6 I’m afraid. I later went to finish off some leftover chips and can confirm that they were very pleasantly salted.

Mock The Hunter Selection sponsored new balls

Patel and Wynn took the new ball – sponsored by Hunter Selection – and both bowled tightly. The former bowled until he was too tired. Oxford put on 50 for the first wicket before C Green (2-37) struck, well held by Lordy who won the Nibnibs perfect catch of the match for his rapid hands. Hodges came on and got pumped because the ball had stopped swinging and he bowls at 55mph. Fortunately The Wizard and Newman bowled extremely well in tandem to dry up the runs and claim a scalp each. May ended with 10-1-26-1 and about 15 beaten outside edges.

Having been 90-2 after 25 and in a decent position, Oxford could only make it to 123-4 after 35 and by this point the game was as good as done. Waite came on to maintain his phenomenal bowling strike rate (it is under 13) with two more poles and Hodges took three cheap wickets to salvage his figures. Oxford ended 55 runs short in the end which is probably quite flattering for them, result was never in doubt.

Stov seemed largely happy at the end and even looked like smiling on one occasion but decided against it at the last minute. I told Smudge to remember to take the remaining match balls home but he suggested that I look after them instead, probably wise because when I then replied “good idea, because you’re not really with it” he didn’t hear me.

Winning beers were enjoyed on the Dingle outfield despite the fact it was freezing and I wanted to watch the football. We retired to the White Harte for beers and a Christian Eriksen screamer ensured that I had had an excellent day. It was about time I scored a BUCS victory.

Mock Dan Lord, winner of the NibNibs Perfect Catch of the Match award, looking delighted

The evening ended with D Lord and F Wynn deciding to go to Bunker/73/Analog/Gravity. The roguest call since BFW was adjudged to be out chest before wicket. Apparently they only went to W.G. but they may as well have gone to Bunker/73/Analog/Gravity because a bleary eyed Wynn staggered into the ASS at 11.10am this morning with a distinctly sore head. At a similar time I started receiving notifications on my phone regarding Instagram likes for a UBCC picture, I have a look and am appalled (but not remotely surprised) to discover that Rob has used the phrase ‘winners are grinners’ in a non-ironic sense.

© University of Bristol Cricket Club 2016